With, For, In Love

"You're so strong for doing this." When you admit weakness you are inadvertently admitting strength, right? Well, I'd like to admit my weakness to you all and I am not expecting to become any stronger from it. I can't do this job. I'm not strong enough for it.  There, I finally said it! I thought I was stronger but as it turns out I'm really not. I went in to this summer with the expectation that this experience would confirm my dream career of starting a rehabilitation center for survivors of sex trafficking. I was so incredibly lucky to have the chance to test out what I wanted to do for my life before I actually did it. Plus, I had people supporting me spiritually, financially, and emotionally. There was nothing that could go wrong. Well, nothing did go wrong per se. I just gained clarity. These past seven months have been a big journey for me. It has been one of the first times in my life I've given myself permission to grow and change. I&

Imagine you wrote 100 letters at work. You stamped them, wrote down addresses, ensured all of the proper information was in them, sealed them, and sat them on your desk. You go in to work the next day and find all 100 letters are shredded. Everyday you have the potential of someone shredding your letters. That's how I feel in my internship. Helping people is really hard. That sounds like a no brainer, especially when dealing with people who have undergone intense trauma at a young age. But the thing is, you see the vision of how you can help. You see how you can help them make their goals a reality. You understand how all of the resources you're offering fit in to their lives. But we work with people. And people are complicated. The beauty in the everyday  I've realized that working with happy people is much easier. They accept help that you give them. They are grateful. They thank you for spending time with them. Reality check: there are 7 billion people in this

Dear Men, Hello, I am a woman. Thank you for noticing. When I was walking down the street I forgot I was a woman so it was honestly very kind of you to remind me. I'm a pretty woman you say. Wow, thank you. In fact, for your kindness I'm going to drop everything and come over and talk to you immediately. You want my phone number? Here it is. You want to take me out? Let's go. I'm nothing but a woman desperately wanting to be noticed by every man on the street so thank you for fulfilling my deepest desires. When I would walk down the streets in Costa Rica I often was called at. I discovered it had a little something to do with the fact that I was a gringa with blonde hair. A prize if you will. I could be walking alone, riding my bike, walking with my boyfriend, or walking with friends. It didn't matter. I was going to be called at. It wasn't a nice compliment or a simple hello. It was laden with alternative thoughts and motives. I never felt better after the

I was panicking. I needed to quiet my mind and open my heart.  Some mornings I have to take a deep breath and just be. It’s hard to do that when I’m thinking of a million things at once. Often my mind is running through topics like what makes me fulfilled, where do I want to work, and am I making a genuine difference ? I realized one day that I was looking at my work all wrong. No wonder I was having daily freak outs.  It can be easy to lose sight of why you started to do something in the first place. You become overwhelmed with daily tasks or the mundane in an activity that it doesn’t seem to hold much value to you anymore. I quickly realized in my stay here that I do not think I want to do this type of work anymore. Though very noble and much needed, I’m not cut out to raise teenagers for a living and to make minute and significant decisions about their lives which can affect them forever. It’s simply not where my strengths and talents lie. Of course I also panicked about th

I’ve found the first day of all of my trips to be the worst. It’s a day filled with anxiety, fear, excitement, loneliness, and the unknown. I was sitting on the  couch listening to the background chatter of two employees as they cooked and realized I wanted to go home. But as I thought more about it, home had no place for me at this time and only here would I be finding what I truly need. Answers. I need answers.  I’ve been asking myself a million and one questions which have no concrete answer. They only leave me going in circles. The questions include what do I want? What level of happiness do I need in order to do my job well? What conveniences am I willing to give up? Do I want to be a missionary or mission centered? Where am I called to live? What is the bigger plan out there for me? Answers. I need them. Costa Rica left me questioning a great deal. It pushed me to think about life, and my life in particular, in ways I never had before. I know I don’t need to conc

There’s a phrase in Costa Rica that I’m sure you’ve heard before. That phrase is pura vida. It means pure life. In Costa Rica it’s used as a greeting, a good bye, a welcome, or filler. I’ve taken four months to live a pura vida life, which has consisted of zero responsibilities, traveling every weekend, and 3 hour long naps. It probably sounds like paradise and that’s often what it is considered. Although I can never sustain a lifestyle like this because I like being busy too much, these four months have allowed me to change, grow, and become a better person. Pura vida gave me permission to develop into a richer (not literally at all), very thoughtful, and hopefully a more cultured person.   The sunsets were amazing  Regret #1: I didn’t keep a journal like I did in Rome or California. I wish I had if for no other reason than to document my growth and journeys around this country. A snapshot of places I've been include but are not limited to: Isla Tortuga (clear water

All is well with my soul Over this last week I've realized I have been the happiest out of my entire time in Costa Rica. I've been here for 10 weeks so what had I even been doing the other 9? Don't get me wrong, I was enjoying my time here. I loved traveling and seeing different parts of this country while making new friends. But it didn't hit me until I went to Nicaragua that in order for me  to be happy I had to put myself into an environment that was conducive to that emotion. From there true joy could be born. I think it's amazing to have a mindset that anywhere you go and anything you do you can be happy. But for me, willing myself to be happy was never enough. It felt fake and wrong. I knew that wasn't authentic. However, I wasn't sure what made me genuinely joyful. It's taken me a lot of time being unhappy and unsure to realize my "happy place" and how to get there. Jesus in Nicaragua  I'm not satisfied in a quiet and un

When I make a plan I will do everything in my power to make it happen. (Okay, except for the time I was going to knit scarves, the time I was going to become a vet, the time I was going to go to the Governor's School, and the time I was going to live in New York. But hey those are only a few exceptions!) I love to make plans for everything, including my life. I have my 1, 5, and 10 year plan all neatly laid out. I recognize it might not happen exactly how I want it to but I can sure try to make it fit into my box. I suppose I find a sort of identity in my plan and when there is an inner turmoil regarding it, I lose a bit of who I am, or at least think I am. Vegan ice cream My life was all laid out. But then I came here. And then the ideas all fell apart. I've only talked to two people about this so far so congratulations, you've made it to the inner circle! My life plan has begun to fall apart because I'm wondering if I'm genuinely too selfish for it. I cal

I thought it would be different than this.... There's a disillusionment with studying abroad. Everyone puts up the best pictures of their friends, their food, and their activities. No one puts up the bad pictures because obviously you can't make people jealous with those. Your pictures have to stand out among the other 1,000 friends you have studying abroad. In fact, your blogs have to be so incredible that people even bother to read them. It's a lot of pressure to be under when this trip was suppose to be about you. But what if I told you I didn't care about that pressure and I wanted to tell the truth. What I'm about to tell you may shock you but it's worth saying.The truth is I don't like Costa Rica. I don't like living in Puntarenas. This experience is very different than I thought it would be. I came to Costa Rica comparing my experience to that of studying abroad in Italy and that was wrong. It didn't give either the chance they deserv

For in living without much you become free from the world's concept of fulfillment. I stepped onto the sandy cement floor and walked over to my backpack to grab my phone and finally take a picture of our group from the weekend. The floor only showed me a bathing suit bottom and nothing more. Maybe someone had moved my backpack. I walked into the only other room in the apartment and that's when I heard someone say, "Guys, I think we were robbed!" I shook my head no...this was not what was suppose to happen tonight or ever. A group of 10 students travelled to this small non-touristy beach town called Playa Negra. The beach was beautiful and wonderful for surfing. The main attraction was that we were going to have a relaxing weekend free from people constantly selling you things and others pointing at maps with very confused looks on their faces. It had all of the makings to be great. Then we went to the beach at night. And then we were robbed. My first though

I've come to realize I know a minuscule amount of information about life. I'm not talking about the times when my friend asks me why air from a fan is cool or how we don't capsize when going through extremely rough waves. I'm talking about the fact that there are over 7 billion humans on this planet and I know so little about those people. Last semester I took a class called Global Fiction of the South and it literally changed the course of my life. I switched my major because of it, I started reading non-British or American authors, and I began to question problems I had never given much thought to before. One question I kept finding myself asking in the middle of our assigned readings was,  "What makes a fulfilling life?"  Shockingly I still do not have the answer to that but I'm learning more potential solutions because after all, or at least according to my mom, the world isn't always black and white. In the novels we studied immigrants, destitut

“Are you rethinking this?” “Yes.” “Ha. No you’re not.” Yeah I am… I’ve been incredibly fortunate to be able to travel to many countries and experience various cultures. Though I’ve seen a lot and spent a good amount of time traveling without my parents or sister, I’ve never been so uncomfortable as I am right now. Here are a few of the differences I’ve experienced so far. There is no AC!                                                                                                                 Why some of the hottest places have no AC yet is beyond me but at least I have a fan in my room. You are in a constant state of sweat as it is 90+ degrees and over 85% humidity. But don’t worry, everyone smells and is dripping just as much as you are. I live with a Spanish speaking mom                                                                             Sonia is the sweetest woman imaginable. When she picked me up at 12:30 on Friday night she told me tha