When You're Weak And Not Strong | DR

"You're so strong for doing this."

When you admit weakness you are inadvertently admitting strength, right? Well, I'd like to admit my weakness to you all and I am not expecting to become any stronger from it.

I can't do this job. I'm not strong enough for it. There, I finally said it! I thought I was stronger but as it turns out I'm really not.

I went in to this summer with the expectation that this experience would confirm my dream career of starting a rehabilitation center for survivors of sex trafficking. I was so incredibly lucky to have the chance to test out what I wanted to do for my life before I actually did it. Plus, I had people supporting me spiritually, financially, and emotionally. There was nothing that could go wrong.

Well, nothing did go wrong per se. I just gained clarity. These past seven months have been a big journey for me. It has been one of the first times in my life I've given myself permission to grow and change. I've heard that if you stop changing it's because you're dead. I would have to agree It has been liberating to allow myself to change my mind, my beliefs, my goals, and my desires. I feel like a more mature and put together person now (despite the fact that I have no idea what will be happening come May 2017). Questioning yourself and reevaluating who you are isn't easy. It isn't easy to have people say negative things about who you are. It isn't easy to admit you're wrong. It especially isn't easy to keep moving forward when you have no clue in what direction you're going. But life isn't easy and I finally understand that now. That's what makes it worth living.

These last two months have taught me a great deal of lessons among the fact that I'm not as "fuerte" as I once thought I was. The lessons include but are not limited to the ones below:

• I see the value and difficulty of pouring into a single person to let them know they are loved, cherished, and special.
• I take most things for granted and do not express my gratitude nearly enough. 
• I don't want to travel alone because life is better when enjoyed with those you love. 
• Helping people is hard and takes a certain amount of strength to give to the needy. 
• Sometimes we all just need hugs. And someone to ask how you are.
• It's okay not to be perfect. It's okay to not have it together. It's okay to say I'm sorry.
• Having a mental problem or disability is very very real and should be treated. 
• You can't help or save everyone. 
• Long distance relationships and friendships suck. 
• Don't get sick in a third world country. The hospitals can be quite scary. 
• I want to stop depending on my computer for entertainment. 
• Friends and fun make life worth living. 

I'm grateful for these lessons and for this job. Working with traumatized teenagers isn't easy. It's rather difficult.  I'm not skilled at constantly serving when I get little back in return. I care immensely about "the one" but I need a big project to work on in order to feel fully useful and satisfied. And honestly, I'm just tired. Everyday someone is fighting, someone is crying, someone is yelling, someone wants to leave, and so on. Mentally and spiritually I'm drained. I don't have the strength to go on. 

Supposedly discovering who you're not is just as important as discovering who you are. From my eight weeks in the Dominican Republic I've learned a little bit more of who I am and who I am not. I also learned what I don't want to do. I'm still working on figuring out that special thing that makes my heart full and puts a smile on my face. But I've got time. But for now I know that being a missionary and serving in this capacity is not where my gifts lie. Admitting your weak is normal. I don't know that it makes you stronger but it sure does make things easier. Don't be someone you're not and don't do something you can't. Do things that'll be great because YOU are doing them. 

Now what? Well, I really don't know. This summer has allowed me to reflect on myself and my goals like never before. It has given me opportunities to engage with people in extreme need. It has allowed me to see another way of living and structuring a business. Most importantly, it has shown me that reality and your dreams are very different and do not always coincide. But that's okay! The reality is, I'm weak. I have a strong heart, some quality skills and talents, and a big passion for helping in any way possible. But none of those can substitute for the strength needed to pour into people every single day when you may get nothing in return for weeks, months, or years. And at the end of these eight weeks I'm fine with knowing my limitations. I'm actually liberated by it.