Tumbling Crumbling Plans | CR

When I make a plan I will do everything in my power to make it happen. (Okay, except for the time I was going to knit scarves, the time I was going to become a vet, the time I was going to go to the Governor's School, and the time I was going to live in New York. But hey those are only a few exceptions!) I love to make plans for everything, including my life. I have my 1, 5, and 10 year plan all neatly laid out. I recognize it might not happen exactly how I want it to but I can sure try to make it fit into my box. I suppose I find a sort of identity in my plan and when there is an inner turmoil regarding it, I lose a bit of who I am, or at least think I am.

Vegan ice cream

My life was all laid out. But then I came here. And then the ideas all fell apart. I've only talked to two people about this so far so congratulations, you've made it to the inner circle! My life plan has begun to fall apart because I'm wondering if I'm genuinely too selfish for it. I called someone selfish the other day and it caused me to think about what that actually means and if I'm selfish in my own life. I realized I was. I've made it pretty clear I don't like Costa Rica. I've also made it abundantly transparent my deep love for Rome and Europe as a whole. I think I love the conveniences, the beauty, the art, the history, the modernization and antiquated way of society. I lack a good number of those things in Costa Rica and I simply want them back. I want ease, options, convenience, and people of the 21st century. But that's not what this country offers me.

It does offer me endless coffee & coffee plantations

I'm majoring in Latin American Studies and the plan is to open up a rehabilitation center (hopefully multiple ones) in Latin America for survivors of sex trafficking. I want nothing more than to do this. But am I willing to give up a decent salary, a home I get to build, tofu options at the grocery store, AC on constantly in the summer, a relatively uncorrupt government, and peanut butter? I just don't know. Not because I can't...but because I won't. I may be too selfish for it. Being a missionary sounds amazing but do I really want to do it? It might just be easier to start a vegan restaurant in the United States, teach people about healthy eating, fight obesity 'cause there's plenty of it, and travel in my free time. It also might be easier to be a nonprofit consultant and travel the world that way while helping multiple causes and groups of people. It also might be easier to start a rehabilitation center in the US.

Monopoly in Monteverde

The fact that I'm even questioning my plan makes me feel like a failure. But maybe I'm not.  I'm human. I have so many plans and ideas that I would love to see fulfilled in my lifetime but I don't know that I will. Here's a short list for your enjoyment: open a restaurant, start a nonprofit, do research on every topic imaginable, go to seminary, adopt children, study at the French Culinary Institute, become an author, move to Italy, have a successful blog, start my own consultancy business, and love others greatly. Obviously I have a very clear path before me.

My selfishness could be temporary. I could just have to push through it until I find happiness. But is happiness even the point of accomplishing things in life? Am I meant to be uncomfortable in circumstances I wouldn't normally choose? Or am I meant to have tofu burgers and AC while still helping people?

Mariposa garden

I'd like to tell you I know. But I don't. I don't know where life is taking me and even saying, or writing, those words causes me pain and anxiety. However, the truth is that no one cares what I do or if I change my mind. Only I do. I've realized that my plan may be falling apart before my very eyes but the core of it all is still very much intact. That core, the base of all future plans, is to help people live better lives and give the world the resources I have been blessed with. I believe I can do that.

Honestly, I don't know what I want anymore. And maybe you feel that way too. Perhaps it's okay for us to not know together.