Living On

I hate blood. I hate needles. I especially hate doctors. But I had decided I wanted to have my blood tested so I could compare my vitals after being vegan for 1 year. That morning, May 19th, my mom held my hand at 9:00 am as the nurse took my blood. By 12:30 pm I was holding my mom's hand. By 7:30 pm my mom was holding my grandmother's hand. By 9:30 pm my sister was holding my hand. By 12:00 am I was holding my sister's hand.

After my blood was taken my mom and I went to the Swamp Rabbit Cafe and went shopping. It was a lovely day and it took her mind off of her mother's simple heart procedure that morning. After my mom and I returned home she got a call from a nurse. "Do you have any siblings you should call?" That told us everything we needed to know: my grandmother was dying.

At 7:00 am my mom talked to my grandmother before her heart procedure and told her she would talk to her in a few hours. I never talked to my grandmother that morning. By 7:30 am her vitals were all wrong and her body was undergoing complete organ failure due to the multiple infections within her frail body. By 9:00 pm her heart was stopping and my mom and dad sat in the room and told her how beautiful she was, how much we all loved her, and that she was the best mother and grandmother. My sister and I were driving to her house to get her clothes to head up to Garner, NC to say goodbye to Grama. Not 5 minutes from her house my dad called us and told us not to come because she already passed away. My sister and I just stared straight ahead, neither one of us sure of what we just heard. Upon parking I immediately got out of the car and was balling on the pavement.

Grama. Nancy Cross Fields. 75 years old. 55 years of marriage. 1 child, Mary Krcelic. 2 grandchildren. The facts of her life do not define her. Her outlook on life does. She was ALWAYS full of life. I never recall a time when music played that she didn't want to dance. She loved movies, TV shows, Lays potato chips and french onion dip, hamburgers, clip on earrings, giving presents, and pictures of her family. She loved everyone in her own strange ways. But she loved very deeply. Grama taught me how to dance, how to laugh, how to dress, how to be classy, how to make coffee, how to shop at Belk, and how to love life so much it was contagious.

Her unexpected death is not without many blessings. Now she can finally rest and take care of herself instead of caring for those around her. When I see a cardinal I see Grama. When I hear the twist I see Grama. When I watch Dirty Dancing I see Grama. When I walk into her room I see Grama. When I look at my mom I see Grama. When I look at the beautiful ocean I see Grama. Most importantly, when I look in the mirror I see Grama.

Grief is a funny emotion. It is not sadness for the dead but rather for the living. I think about all of the things she won't get to see me do and my heart breaks. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I'm really angry. And that's okay. But what I have to do is I have to love and live. For in truly loving and truly living Grama will always live on.