I sat awake at 6 am unable to go to sleep. I was crushed, sad, and so confused. But more than that, I felt like I didn't know who I was.
Being away from everything that makes you you is really difficult. In Italy I don't have my friends, my family, my job, my normal activities, or even my city (shoutout to Cola). They're all waiting for me when I return but for four months I have had to figure out who I am apart from those things. That has not been easy.
The time I ate 2 lbs. of strawberries in 2 hours
I remember one night at USC talking to my friend outside of my apartment building and I was sharing all of the things I didn't like about myself. In that moment I realized one of the scariest things in life is to not like who you are because you are sort of stuck with yourself...for forever. That night I was placing my identity in my negative traits and characteristics instead of in the positive. Ever since that moment I've been working to not only change those negative traits but to also change my mindset.
Crepes in Greece?
If you have spent any time with me you know I love being busy. I love having 101 things to do in very small amounts of time. I function optimally when I have a great deal going on. This semester I've had about 0 things going on in really large amounts of time. Yes, I have class and yes, I have a job. However, I have endless amounts of free time here. Back at USC, I've placed my complete identity in the things I do and the titles I have. Without them I didn't know who I was.
Beautiful artichokes from a cooking class I took
While I sat awake in my bed after receiving heartbreaking news that I hadn't received a position I so desperately wanted, I started to have anxiety. I had put so many other positions on hold so I could dedicate my time to this one opportunity. Who was I going to be next semester? What would I do with my free time? Where would I find my identity?
The next day I had a realization: my identity is not found in titles, in positions, or even in the work I did. Being so far away from what use to be who I was for so long has forced me to wonder where I find my purpose and source of being from.
lol at Mom in Paris
My identity is found in who I am and in begin God's child. A title doesn't define me and I won't let it. I refuse to let student be who I am. I refuse to let American be who I am. I refuse to let president of some organization be who I am. I refuse to let anything other than Alexis Krcelic be who I am.
I've found great peace in knowing that while doing 101 things everyday is what I enjoy, it doesn't define me. The success in those tasks does not define me either. I define myself and I can be whoever I want to be. That's my identity.
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