We're All A Little Lost
In the past two days, two of my closest friends have said: "I don't feel happy." and "I want me back."
In the past day I've laughed and cried about my business and life but all the while I've thought, "What the hell am I even doing?"
Back in November I started my own health and wellness coaching business while living in Vietnam. I, of course, jumped the gun and decided to go full time in January because living in Vietnam was so cheap and well, if I want something I'm going to get it. Classic Alexis.
That was one of the hardest months, or so I thought. I became completely disconnected from friends, family, and myself. It was so difficult to be present and I couldn't ever "switch off". Enter February where some people brought up concerns to me about my connection to myself and them. One of the worst things I ever said to someone I loved was "You just want me to spend all of my money so I fail." I never meant to say that and it was not at all what I thought that person believed, it was what I believed.
I thought I was going to run out of money, have wasted months on a business that was gaining traction just not profit, and have failed (truthfully, my biggest fear).
March passed and I still felt very very lost. Vietnam was a difficult place for me because I was so overwhelmed by all of the newness and differences. After about 6 months of living there, every small thing that bothered me kept building up and up. It was like once I recognized the problem, it got a hundred times bigger. I was not fun to be around because I complained all the time, stressed about my business, or was so exhausted by pollution and my life that I didn't want to do anything else, much less work on myself.
Then April came.
April 4th I had my 23rd birthday. April 9th I launched my new business (still health and wellness coaching) with my amazing business partner, Lex. April 14th my relationship ended. April 15th I was back in America.
That was the hardest month of my life.
You see, I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who was lost. I thought I had nothing together while everyone was in one solid piece.
I was so wrong.
What I've learned in the past 4 months is that no one has it together. Everyone is a little lost. And most people are still looking for their pieces.
I also thought it was exclusive to those of us in our early 20's. It's a time of newness and discovering yourself as a fully independent person outside of college or your parents. Even then, I was so wrong. It's just that older people don't usually talk about how lost or confused they feel because they want to be a role model to those of us who are younger.
Every single one of us is trying to figure it out. Life is hard and complicated. It can't be planned or controlled (no matter how much I like to do both). It is scary, freeing, complicated, sad, happy, and every emotion in between. I've spent more time laughing, crying, and feeling nothing these past 4 months than ever before. But I don't think I'm the only one who goes through these ebbs and flows.
These past 4 months have been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes life is exhausting and you just think you can't do it anymore. I've had days where I felt like everything was together. Then I have days where I question who I am, what I'm doing, and what my purpose even is.
There's no age, amount of money, life experience, or job title that makes you immune to life. That is both reassuring and terrifying for me. The good news though, is that I have learned that I never truly have to go it alone.
Imagine what would happen if we all were real and honest about how we felt. That we were just making some shit up. That we had no idea what was really going on. That our pretty plan has been shattered into a million pieces over and over by life.
If we were honest, maybe we wouldn't feel so alone in this journey of life. Maybe we'd realize we're all going through the same things. Maybe we'd have more compassion towards others and ourselves.
To those of you reading who feel the same way, you are not alone. We are all here. We all feel the same way we're just too terrified to admit it.
So to my two closest friends, you are not alone. I am here with you. I am feeling the exact same things as you. I love you.
If there's one thing I know to be true now, it's that we're all a little lost.
In the past day I've laughed and cried about my business and life but all the while I've thought, "What the hell am I even doing?"
I thought I was alone in these feelings.
That was one of the hardest months, or so I thought. I became completely disconnected from friends, family, and myself. It was so difficult to be present and I couldn't ever "switch off". Enter February where some people brought up concerns to me about my connection to myself and them. One of the worst things I ever said to someone I loved was "You just want me to spend all of my money so I fail." I never meant to say that and it was not at all what I thought that person believed, it was what I believed.
I thought I was going to run out of money, have wasted months on a business that was gaining traction just not profit, and have failed (truthfully, my biggest fear).
March passed and I still felt very very lost. Vietnam was a difficult place for me because I was so overwhelmed by all of the newness and differences. After about 6 months of living there, every small thing that bothered me kept building up and up. It was like once I recognized the problem, it got a hundred times bigger. I was not fun to be around because I complained all the time, stressed about my business, or was so exhausted by pollution and my life that I didn't want to do anything else, much less work on myself.
Then April came.
April 4th I had my 23rd birthday. April 9th I launched my new business (still health and wellness coaching) with my amazing business partner, Lex. April 14th my relationship ended. April 15th I was back in America.
That was the hardest month of my life.
You see, I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who was lost. I thought I had nothing together while everyone was in one solid piece.
I was so wrong.
What I've learned in the past 4 months is that no one has it together. Everyone is a little lost. And most people are still looking for their pieces.
I also thought it was exclusive to those of us in our early 20's. It's a time of newness and discovering yourself as a fully independent person outside of college or your parents. Even then, I was so wrong. It's just that older people don't usually talk about how lost or confused they feel because they want to be a role model to those of us who are younger.
Every single one of us is trying to figure it out. Life is hard and complicated. It can't be planned or controlled (no matter how much I like to do both). It is scary, freeing, complicated, sad, happy, and every emotion in between. I've spent more time laughing, crying, and feeling nothing these past 4 months than ever before. But I don't think I'm the only one who goes through these ebbs and flows.
These past 4 months have been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes life is exhausting and you just think you can't do it anymore. I've had days where I felt like everything was together. Then I have days where I question who I am, what I'm doing, and what my purpose even is.
There's no age, amount of money, life experience, or job title that makes you immune to life. That is both reassuring and terrifying for me. The good news though, is that I have learned that I never truly have to go it alone.
Imagine what would happen if we all were real and honest about how we felt. That we were just making some shit up. That we had no idea what was really going on. That our pretty plan has been shattered into a million pieces over and over by life.
If we were honest, maybe we wouldn't feel so alone in this journey of life. Maybe we'd realize we're all going through the same things. Maybe we'd have more compassion towards others and ourselves.
To those of you reading who feel the same way, you are not alone. We are all here. We all feel the same way we're just too terrified to admit it.
So to my two closest friends, you are not alone. I am here with you. I am feeling the exact same things as you. I love you.
If there's one thing I know to be true now, it's that we're all a little lost.
Comments
Post a Comment